'I Cleaned Up Your Piss, Vomit and Shit'!

it's an end to shaking of the tree trauma for one woman: a testament to survival and fortifying the backbone after five years of intimate partner violence, BWS by any other name -- battered wives!

It’s one ugly dysfunctional arena, the criminal injustice system. Broad sweeping stupidty, and the over-incarceration of non-violent offenders, and then, the revolving door of other offenders, in and out, in and out, a tidal wave of for-profit criminal injustice that pays pays pays all the Eichmann’s in the system . . . and all the drug abuse and the boozing fools, DUI’s, and one stumble after another, many of whom just pay a defense scum attorney for a get out of jail card.

Entire legions of cops, flak-jacketed and AR-15 killers, ready to get the Black jaywalkers, and then, we have the 70 percent of domestic violence cases plead down, or just dropped.

I’ve been writing about one person in particular (read this goddmaned free Substack while it lasts — scroll on back to older pieces), who had her day in court, so to speak, July 27. A victim’s impact statement where the victim’s abuser blankly stared into space, and where his own sociopathic mother from Colorado crossed her legs and pumped back and forth, staring at all the women filing in to support the victim, checking them out as if she was a lesbian . . . not even looking at the harm her precious abuser son had done to her daughter-in-law, not thinking about the woman on the witness stand making her last statement, her only one, before the fucker plead to the two lesser of 12 charges. My amiga was magnificent. More on this case later!

A system that displayed one DA with a voice and image like some captured bank teller, and then the victim’s advocate who looked like a toadie caught in that slowly warming water.

The statement she read got the judge to take a look, reverse the immediate release plans, and insist the fucker spend the full 364 days in jail for the one charge. She also stated that upon release, the abuser would have to have a Scram bracelet, to continuously watch him for drinking, and then an ankle GPS bracelet. These were not in the guy’s future, until the victim’s statement, until the judge heard things about the fucker that could not have been brought up in a trial if it had ensued. You know, past domestic abuse, etc., not relevant in the case of him attempting to murder her.

Telling for her, the judge, was that the guy before her was like a sick unremorseful zombie. He wanted to play the probabtion system, play the judicial system, and alas, the judge was not playing HIS fucking game.

Get the power of this wife, this soon to be divorced wife, who went through hell less than a year ago, last November. Read her words, and be proud we still have people who can face their accuser and fly like an eagle:

Abuser: I see clearly now. I see how you gained control over the years and how you targeted me from day one. By shining so bright – me the independent, multi-lingual, smart business owner -- I had what you never had. You saw in me a powerful but vulnerable well intentioned human being, and you took advantage of it as all abusers do. You never treated me as your equal. I was the perfect victim for you.

I didn’t know back then, but I know now that I married a predator. It was truly scary for me when I talked with your ex fiancé, T- - - and realized how your abusive behaviors only escalated with the years. Her life was shattered, and her current life, married with children, still reflects fear for you, of you. The fact that you never did the work on yourself to heal your own traumas or anger management, that is forefront, but for a victim of more than four years of abuse, I find it difficult to empathize with you. You have continued with your hate, your misogyny and your control; you have only gotten worse. You abused T- - - too and probably every woman that ever crossed your path. You’re a serial abuser.

The control you gained on me over the years was very insidious. The cycle of abuse was vicious. From complete isolation & neglect, to long periods of raging and alcohol abuse, to rejection and abandonment, among others, you wore me down and turned me into a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. You belittled me and threatened me every chance you had. You made a point to make my life miserable. You pushed me away and reeled me back in whenever you were pleased with fake apologies, crocodile tears and empty promises to change and be better. I believe you are not redeemable.

You wanted a submissive wife at home to cook, to clean and to fall under your terrible will. You wanted a punching bag for your emotions, and I was it. That facilitated you to show your best behaviors and charming self to other people. It’s not classic Jekyll & Hide behavior, but it sure was close. Nobody really knew what was really happening behind closed doors. A living hell, that’s what it was all along, all day, every day with you. I was constantly walking on eggshells, sleeping on the couch with my purse hidden under my legs and the dog on a leash, always on a fight or flight mode.

I would clean vomit and piss all over the bathroom every other day. You would hide the car keys so I couldn’t go anywhere. You would lock me outside of the house. You would threaten to hurt the dog if I would to go anywhere. You would manipulate me and force me into your deviant sexual fantasies so you would have to seek sex from other women. You would attack my integrity and make fun of my origins, my family, my friends, my accent, my height, my weight. There was always something wrong with me, any ideas I would have or everything I would do. I was criticized, blamed, and brought down every day. You gas lit me constantly, trying to convince me that what I saw I didn’t see, what I heard I didn’t hear, what I felt I didn’t feel.

That was an ongoing narcissistic plan to convince me that my reality was completely false, and that’s a serious abuse tactic & psychological torture method I have learned now while going to counseling. You were grooming me into losing every little bit of self confidence I had so you could abuse me more intensely and keep me isolated. The way you treated me all along is a statement of who you are as a human being. Nine months in a county jail with no counseling, no group work, no substance abuse programs just makes you more of a danger to society. But not to me.

For the longest time, I tried to understand your relationship with your mother, and I finally got it: You both are the same person; you both are despicable human beings. You can’t stand each other, yet you use each other to get your evil ways. I don’t think you were born an abuser, but that you became one. Forged by another one, your father and your rotten mother’s response to a husband’s abuse. The abused that becomes an abuser is classic, but it doesn’t make me feel vindicated. Everything you guys plotted against me over the years and especially since you got incarcerated were really enlightening to me. She enables you all the way and you don’t know any better than being an abuser & addict.

I have now unraveled all of your lies, including the cheating and the nasty campaign against me you ran amongst friends and family. Rarely mentioning that we were married, keeping me hidden so you could abuse me better, you have lied throughout this relationship --  to me and to others. You also were targeting vulnerable and low self esteem women by luring them into your hotel rooms. I’m truly disgusted. By now, your life has no more secrets for me. Maybe you can find some relief in that.

I wanted to be loved. I wanted to help. I wanted to make you happy. I wanted us to be team #1. Sure, I have cried, screamed and ran away my fair share as I was reacting to this ongoing nightmare. But unlike you, I never intended to hurt, control and manipulate. I helped you through every struggle you had. I was your cheerleader. I followed, encouraged and helped you in all your projects, as crazy as they were. I was by your side every time you experienced alcohol withdrawals, when you were sick or injured. And so on. I had good intentions; I wanted a lifetime marriage & partner.

But you wouldn’t appreciate anything I would do for you. I did a lot for you, for us. I was a good, loving & faithful wife. I am the one that helped you keeping your head above the water. Without me, you would have sunken a long time ago. Remember the person you first met in Guatemala? An independent & strong woman loved and respected by everyone? Well, by the time you got incarcerated, I was barely a shadow of that person, of myself. I had checked out emotionally. I couldn’t bear any of the abuse anymore. I was at my lowest point and this is exactly where you wanted me to be so you could control, lie, manipulate, cheat and abuse me even more. You thought you had me good; I know you never thought I would call the police on you! You’ve mistaken my kindness for weakness.

I jeopardized my life to flee from you and the abuse on many occasions by flying away, driving away, leaving numerous different jobs, turning down opportunities, sleeping in the car, streets, motels, crashing at friends’ homes. They say that it takes on average 7 times for a victim to flee her abuser for good. That’s about what it took me to stand for myself and call the police. And yes, I did come back to you plenty of times. I genuinely wanted things to work for us and help you. I loved you very much. But I know now that I never had a real chance to make this marriage work. For you, it wasn’t about love, respect and devotion. It was all about control, manipulation & abuse.

You never loved me. I am no longer ashamed I have been shackled by you because I understand the dynamics of battered wife syndrome. I am no longer a victim. You used everything I ever shared with you, with honesty and vulnerability, to manipulate me and keep me around. I was so scared of what would happen if I didn’t obey you. You would threaten me into withdrawing yourself from the green card application so I would be deported. You would hide my passport while you were gone on your trips so I wouldn’t escape. You would make me spend every bit of money I would make so you could control me financially. I could go on forever.

Nothing will ever excuse nor explain what happened on the night of November 11th when for the first time in my life I dialed 911. Who the fuck do you think you are to feel that’s it’s okay to assault me and contemplate killing me? You really scared me. As you grabbed me by the throat, locked my arms behind my back, stuffed my face into the couch,  and forced a pillow over my head and tried to suffocate me, I thought for sure I would die.

You tried to kill me, Abuser!

You must have thought that I had to pay for every woman in your life that let you down and disappointed you. Or maybe you sought some kind of vengeance against women, me, with your dad’s murder (by his second wife) anniversary coming up. It took me some time to realize it, but I surely was in great danger! There is nothing I could have done for you to justify assaulting me. No trauma or addiction of yours can explain or diminish your actions. I thought about that night many times; there was no happy ending possible. I would have ended up dead one day soon anyways. You were getting more out of control and more aggressive by the day. And remember when you gave me a concussion in Arizona after hitting me on the head? Remember me begging for my life as you were choking me on the bed? Those burdens are now all on you. I am washing my hands of it. I refuse to let any of the abuse you put me through define me anymore.

The person you assaulted that night exists no more. I am in process of regaining all the self confidence you took away from me, taking back control over my life and healing from all the trauma you caused me. Make no mistake --  you can’t fool me anymore. Although you’ve shaken me to my core, you didn’t succeed in killing me; I am now growing stronger than ever. That’s my biggest victory. I am finally seeing you for the monster that you are. I am standing up for myself.

Unlike you, I never sought vengeance. By now, I only want you to take accountability and be held legally responsible for what you did to me. I am finding myself much more peaceful knowing exactly who and what I was dealing with. I know you know exactly what you did to me that night and how much you’ve abused me over the years, and it’s going to haunt and torture your consciousness forever, no matter how drunk you get. YOU will have to live with those thoughts after this day. The truth is that you are a danger to society. You have put me through some much abuse and you endangered me and my dog, Randy, so many times. You are an abuser in the most classic sense; you drive intoxicated; you are a predator; you are a misogynist, a narcissist, a sociopath, racist and a total fraud.

What you have put me through, I don’t wish it on anybody. You are an imminent danger to women and young girls. You have lucked out and received a plea agreement, and I know you think you have won, that you will get something over on the probation officials, that you can scam the system, and that you will drink again and even attempt to contact me. You should have received prison time.

I truly hope you will heal from your own childhood trauma, through anger management and addiction treatment, and that you will at some point be the better human being I always thought you could be, but I strongly doubt any of these transformation will occur. You will hurt again and fuck it up again like you always. How was your time in jail? Just over 8 months, right? How miserable were you? That’s nothing compared to what you have put me through and what I have endured because of you. I was in a prison all day, everyday living in serious fear for my life.

You pled for an easier final punishment because you got scared like a little boy. You shit your pants. I was always the bigger person, not you. You can’t even face your own truth and admit your terrible behaviors and mistakes. It hurts too much to face the reality of your life full of regrets, doesn’t it?

Throughout these months, I never contacted you, didn’t contact your family nor your friends. I am commanding you to never get in contact with me, nor stalk me in any way, shape or form. Not me, my family, or my friends. Don’t even try because I won’t hesitate to defend myself this time around. After everything you put me through, I would hope you would understand and leave me alone forever. I have given enough of my soul to the dark-dark motives in your dark heart and twisted mind.

Never again.

I’ll end this statement by saying this: For me, you are a spineless worthless piece of shit and there is no redemption for someone like you. Most importantly, you have now become a total stranger to me.

Signed: Your Soon to be Ex-Wife, Janet

The judge knows this fact below, so does the DA, as well as the Victim Advocate, and the Defense Attorney, as well, but this rule of law is a sick game, a fake actor’s game, where the rhetorical skills of these DAs and defense attorneys are a joke. The entire system plays the game of, “Well, one year, sure, we can understand that sort of battered wife synrome, but three, five, ten years? Why didn’t you just pack up and leave?” Fuck them.

Women may be afraid of strangers, but it's a husband, a lover, a boyfriend, or someone they know who is most likely to hurt them. According to a U.S. Justice Department study, two-thirds of violent attacks against women are committed by someone the woman knows. In the United States, one of the most dangerous places for a woman is her own home. Approximately 1,500 women are killed each year by husbands or boyfriends. About 2 million men per year beat their partners.

Why don't men leave relationships that are supposedly so unsatisfactory to them?
If we listen to men who abuse their wives, what we hear is how terribly inadequate these women are for the men. At the same time, we know that abusive men are tremendously dependent on their partners. Fear of rejection, emotional withdrawal, and/or abandonment are major factors that actually cause these men to be violent. Men who batter women are often psychologically incapable of leaving the relationship.

What is the cycle of abuse?
A cycle of abuse occurs in some families. The family's life becomes a cycle of violence. Life begins to revolve around anticipating violence; coping with actual acts of violence; or recovering from the violence. Ironically, a family can become tremendously close in the recovery phase. The man who was terrifying and intimidating turns into a remorseful, needy, and dependent man. The woman who was battered then will feel sorry for the man and recommit to him in a fantasized hope that the abuse won't happen again. But the cycle of abuse will begin again, often becoming worse. The cycle of abuse can only be broken with awareness and professional help. (source)

Just watching these actors (bad ones) in this drama makes a grown man sick, and the bat to the head seems like the only way to take out rabid goddamned dogs like abusers and their parents and others who cover for them.

The system is so fucked up. In my county, they, the HR departments, that is, are looking for not one, not two, but three lawyers for the DA’s office. The sheriff’s department is looking not for one, not for two, but for three deputies to cover the rural county.

Plenty of angry men, beaten down men, men with no brains, men with no self-control, men who eat this shit up, this misogyny, all of that, including the pricks in the batter’s boxes — ugly rapist Trump and rapist Biden. From the top, down to the Arkansas of the north, Wisconsin.

Endless rotten men in powerful positions — clergy, rabbis, educators, cops, CEOs, managers, military merchants of death, bankers, Holly-Dirt, and the list goes on and on. This system of buttoned up pricks make the Cartels look like amatuers.

It’s global, man:

Homicide represents the most extreme form of violence against women, a lethal act on a continuum of gender-based discrimination and abuse. As this research shows, gender-related killings of women and girls remain a grave problem across regions, in countries rich and poor. While the vast majority of homicide victims are men, killed by strangers, women are far more likely to die at the hands of someone they know. Women killed by intimate partners or family members account for 58 per cent of all female homicide victims reported globally last year, and little progress has been made in preventing such murders. Targeted responses are clearly needed. This booklet – part of the forthcoming Global Study on Homicide by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC) – is being released on the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women 2018 to raise awareness, increase understanding and inform action. It is also a call for Governments to help us shed further light on these challenges by collecting the needed data and reporting on all forms of gender-based violence. UNODC remains committed to supporting Member States to strengthen evidence-based policies and criminal justice responses that can prevent and end violence against women and gender-related killings. (source)

Yet, the female Judge, the female DA, the female public defender, the female mother of the perpetrator, the female victim advocate, all of them, seem clueless and spineless in one fell swoop of dishonesty and stupidity.

Easy stuff to learn: The Mend Project!

I’ve been around those blocks a few times, and in prisons, with tons of men in college classes, in the military, on the road, as a journalist around cops, sure, in Macho countries, all over the place, and as a case manager for men just out of the pen for crimes of many dimensions. The shit-storm that is patriarchy and chauvanism kills kills kills. From the cradle to the grave.

Maya Angelou:

‘Each time a woman stands up for herself, she stands up for all women’.

More more more, later, on my amiga’s story. But here, more information!

The average person on the street thinks an emotional abuse victim is a pushover. Spineless. Weak. Coward. Can’t stand up for herself. Doesn’t “handle” her man the right way. Has little self-esteem. The average religious person, if they believe the victim IS a victim in the first place (which they usually don’t), believes if the victim married a guy with problems, she needs to hunker down and sleep in the bed she made for herself. How bad can it be? But here's the truth: the emotional abuse target can be anyone. She can be a business owner. An attorney. A professor. A doctor. An author. A homemaker. A company president. A police officer. And contrary to the opinions of those who don’t understand how abuse works, she isn’t targeted because she can’t stand up for herself and has low self-esteem. She is targeted because of her strengths. In this video you'll learn ten of the abuse target's strengths and why her abuser selects her specifically because of those very strengths.